Being Nagged By Cookie...

I have been told all my life that my biggest fault is my inability to trust other people which I find amusing because every time I try to trust another person I am always disappointed.


Always.


I accepted long ago that the only person I could rely on is myself  and I am fairly content living my life this way.


I am told that my second biggest fault is I am too blunt which can make me appear to be cold and unfeeling.

This was my fortune today at lunch - "You will receive unexpected support over the next week. Accept it graciously."

Now I am being told to play nice by a dessert.
 

Do you think the universe is trying to tell me something? Is this my proverbial hit over the head with a brick? If I ignore this is the universe going to find a larger proverbial brick to hit me with?

Friday 11/6/2009 Healing Through Nature.

I live in Central Texas, in fact, the reason I live here is because my husband was stationed at Ft. Hood before he left the military.

Thursday November 5th, 2009 turned out to be a surreal day. I was at lunch with a friend when we heard about the shooting spree on Fort Hood.

We were glued to the television while we ate.

When I got in the car I scanned the radio stations as I drove back to work but they didn't have any news on them.

Once back at work I found an MSN feed for the story and kept updated.

The only people who came into the store after 3:00 p.m. Thursday were my and my co-workers relatives. The normally busy street outside the store was empty.

We heard so many conflicting stories from the different news sites that at one point it seemed like the shooting was escalating outside Fort Hood and we thought about shutting down the store and going home.

A friend was on post when this happened and he was almost at the gate when they locked down the post. He was the second car in line and had to wait there for six hours until they opened up again.

One of my co-worker's father-in-law works at a school on post. They didn't get the last of the children out of the school until after 9:00 p.m..

The next day was bright and beautiful, and I needed to get away from the news, so we decided to get some chicken and go to the park for a picnic.

We sat between the gazebo and the pond.

Some geese came to visit while we were eating.

When we were finished we walked over the hill to the pond.

The geese and ducks came over and we fed them. When we were out of food we turned and walked away. I glanced back and laughed because I felt like the Pied Piper.

It was good to get out and take a walk and interact with nature.

It was good to sit at a picnic table and eat chicken and drink lemonaide outside on a beautiful Autumn day. (Drinking lemonaide outside always seems to relax me and helps me de-stress.)

It was good to feed ducks and laugh at their antics and forget for just one moment all the ugliness in the world.

Leaving the House....

I am not sitting around and doing nothing, I do try to get out.

I got dressed up and left the house tonight.

For some reason I'm fascinated with my fingers lately. Here is what they looked like tonight:

I broke two of my nails recently so they are very short. I wore my golden brown leather skirt and brown sweater with this jacket. The jacket makes much more sense with the leather skirt, but I wanted a picture of my hands and the waistband of the skirt was just a smidge below them..

I really think the blue nails work here. I'm not sure how I'm going to make sense of them the rest of this week.

I drove someplace new for the party and I had a really hard time figuring out where the turns were.

I would like to file a formal complaint with the Village of Salado - it was a dark and stormy night and no street lights were on. I had to wait for flashes of lightening to find the damn turn off.

Luckily halfway to the house there were about a dozen light posts illuminating the circular part of the drive.

The rain stopped by the time I left and I'm glad I didn't get a good look at the lamp posts on the way in:

I would have felt like I was entering a gothic romance.

I've quit pretending....

For almost three years I've pretended to be someone I'm not because I fell in love with a man who was not of my world.

It did not go well when I approached him, oh so tentatively, and started to open up about the 'real' me.

It's been a month since I said goodbye.

I've been false for so long I need a place to start being myself again.

So, the blog.

This blog is not going to be about the failure of my relationship, I made my decision and as much as it pains me I will stick to it.

When I feel weak I tell myself I deserve a man who wants to love me and doesn't feel guilt or shame for loving me.

This blog is going to be about my journey back to myself.

There are two voices inside me waiting to get out - the first is the part of me that has filters, it's my public face. The face I built for the man I love.

The second is the cynical, dark part of me that I tend to stifle. The part of me he did not want to know. I think I need to let that voice out occassionally.

Hopefully I will find a way to bring the two of them into balance. But until then, my blog will have a form of Greek chorus.

This is my chorus color. Woo Hoo.